Listen to this as you read it if you can/want.
So basically this last week has been shit and yesterday, November 1st, was probably the shittest so far.
Of course I have thought over the whole I'm going to deactivate my account thing and granted the only reason I'm not going to is because I used dAmuro to draw and if I deleted my account I'd lose my drawing software and I have a few groups I want and need to keep open because I don't want to let my members down. Other than that I don't think I'll be using this account much anymore, I'll be getting myself a new account. Please don't ask what it'll be either - I'm not going to tell any of you and I have my reasons as I'm going to state below.
The first reason is drama and this journal is going to cause a lot of it when people read it.
I feel like a horrible person and it was one of Derren Brown's shows called Remote Control that showed me how horrible people can get when they gang up on others and turn on them. They lose their individuality and ever since I've gotten involved in this drama I feel the need to have to bitch and act like someone I'm not just to please these people and now I feel two faced because of the guilt trip that was put on me.
Let me get this clear - I don't care if some of you hate me for writing what I do in this journal, because I'm sick and fucking tired of how long it's gone on for. I don't care if it's not my business to tell or not but you've all mde it my business by getting me involed. I'm a human being like all of you, and I have a stress limit of how much shit I can handle like all of you.
Firstly Sam, I don't know what I think about you anymore because of all the drama I've been pulled into. Yes I've bitched about you to Rara and Isy and Zee and Kuma but guess what, at least unlike some of your 'friends' I'm admitting it. And I'm sorry. Yes I've said some nasty things about you and yes I know this is going to break a lot of your trust for me but I've made my decision, and I want to apologize. You don't have to forgive me for agreeing that I thought you were an art thief, or that all you ever care about is roleplay. I had no right to fully believe it since I never went to you and asked for your side of everything. I'm the one who deserves all blame here, I was the one helping to make you out to be a bitch when really I was being one myself.
I've been a mixture of angry at myself and in a state of disbelief and scared. I've been angry at myself because I couldn't find it in me to not believe what was being told to me and angry at you for not telling me the apparant full truth. Disbelief because although we've had our disagreements from time to time, I couldn't believe mostly everything. And scared because I felt like I couldn't be your friend because I was so scared to the point where I even broke up our first ever pairing together because I didn't know who to trust. Call this ass licking but from everything that was fed to me and told to me, I felt too scared to be as close as we were until I knew the truth.
I broke our promise. Do you remember it? I promised you no matter what you'll still be my best bro no matter what Rara told me, no matter how close she and I got. I'm sorry I broke that promise.
It's taking me a while to write this because I'm trying to figure out if I want to be selfish or no. Selfish as to do I want to keep my friends I've made, or unselfish and let people know the truth. I'm not a liar and I don't want to lie just to keep friends. Please, when some of you read this, keep this in mind when I write this.
I'm an awful person, but I refuse to be the one thing I hate, a liar.
People have been pretending to be your friend Sam because they don't want to cause any arguments or whatever. I forgot what the reason is but that's the jist of it. They're never going to have a pairing with you either, stop hurting yoursef by trying.
And the final bit that's distanced me from you the most is that I've been led to believe you're Isy or Isy is you. I don't know what way around and I don't know if it's even true. It's not me who came up with this, but deep down after taking a few steps back from everyone these last few days - Rara I don't believe it. I can't. I know I thought I did but do you really believe it either? Look at the way you act with Isy. Yes their styles are sort of similar but I've looked on this matter WITHOUT people telling me one thing and then another and I don't believe it.
If it's true, I'm the fool, but after thinking long and hard on this I can't think of them as the same person. If you are, then just say and if you're not, I'm sorry for ever thinking you were.
This leads into you Isy. Last night I was a bit too crude to you but you caught me at a bad time. I was in fits of tears and the last thing I wanted to talk about was roleplay or anything to do with it. You know I was fine with you until a while back and you and I both know I suddenly started acting different, it's because of what Rara suggested and I stupidly agreed and vigirously tried to find evidence to prove you and Sam were the same person.
After you told me about your past though, that's when I began disbelieving this. I shouldn't have made you tell me about your life for the reason I did and it was to try and see if there were loop holes in your story so I could find evidence you were Sam or vice versa. What a friend I am, doing that to you. You've never done anything like that to me and I've been able to see after not interracting with anyone on dA but Zee and Kuma for the last few days that I was wrong to do this. I was wrong to believe any of it.
Which brings me onto you, Rara.
I guess I just desperately wanted to be your friend so much I fooled myself into believing every word you said. I did everything I could to make sure you would never stop befriending me. I changed the way I roleplayed for you, spent more time on dA for you, turned against one of my best friends for you. I became a two faced bitch just because I thought it'd make you happy. I listened to you rant and rave about Sam for you because you didn't want to stress out your closer friends.
I think what triggered this all was you freaking out about that picture I drew. I deleted my own deviation just to please you. I think that was my wake up call - since when did I do ANYTHING to please ANYONE. Since when did I, the most independant thinker I know, listen to what other people say and not stand up for what she believes in and does what other people tell her to do. I, the only rationalist in a philosophy class full of empiricists who does NOT let their arguments and beliefs sway hers.
I am a person who makes up her own mind. In philosophy every week I have to argue alone against a class full of people because I firmly believe in what I do and I do not let any of them sway me. Why should I let what you believe and want me to do be what I have to believe and do? It shouldn't and I'm a fucking idiot for basically being a puppet.
All of you who keep have this conspiricy against Sam and Isy or who are still lying to Sam or Isy - why don't you tell them your side too. Why don't you all stop being cowards and stressing each other out, man the fuck up and get it over and done with. Why is it that I'm the one apologizing first when it wasn't me who started it to begin with?
Enough is enough.
Until you finally all have it out with one another and decide whether or not you're going to completely take blame, as Akon rightly says, you can put the blame on me.
I don't care if this loses me friends, I'm just apologizing for being an idiot, a fool, and a bitch.
But I am no liar.
All those involved take this as you will, hate me all you want, but this is me completely dejecting myself from all of this.
It's up to those involved if you want to deject yourselves from me or not, and I won't blame you if you do.